“Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.” – Commonly (and probably incorrectly) attributed to Albert Einstein
Travel has a way of uncovering those things deep within you that need attention. As we sat by the water in Cozumel, Mexico, our 13 year old travel companion watched a few teenage boys skateboard and asked us quietly “what are you guys inherently good at?” I thought for a minute and responded confidently with a couple of things I feel I am naturally good at. Aaron did the same. Victoria nodded slowly and admitted, “I don’t think I am naturally good at anything.”
Why is it harder to identify and value the gifts of emotional intelligence than it is to identify the gifts of academic intelligence?
Let me first say, Victoria is naturally good at several very important things. But she is different from your average 13 year old and her natural gifts serve to set her apart even further from her peers. She is highly intuitive. She is intensely emotionally perceptive and sensitive. She is incredibly empathetic. She also has the determination of a bull. These natural gifts, we can only hope, will one day be a part of a collective shift in humanity’s energy and she will be a part of leading us to a more positive, more empathetic way of life. It sounds like a tall order but if you knew Victoria, you would know what I am saying is accurate and entirely possible.
For now she is 13. 13 and in middle school.
Victoria’s gifts do not feel like gifts to her right now. I have watched her push down her gifts over the years in favor of ones that are more desirable to her. She wants to be funny. She wants to be athletic. She wants to be sociable. Who didn’t in middle school? But therein lies the problem…..
We all wanted gifts that weren’t ours. We still walk around wishing we could be at least a little more like the next guy. We forget to recognize and hone our own gifts. And we are all, as a society, teaching our kids to do the same thing.
If you had the ability to choose one of your child’s natural gifts, would you endow them with a gift for math or a gift for making connections with people across cultures?
We don’t do it on purpose…. we tell them it’s ok to be themselves- to say “no” when the crowd is doing something “wrong”. We tell them it’s ok to be unique. But those things that are “ok” come with strings attached, don’t they? It’s ok for our kids to say “no” and go against the crowd but not if the crowd is full of adults. If we are really honest with ourselves, we also envision our kids saying “no” in righteous moments, not in those mundane moments when we secretly wish they had just said “yes” in order to fit in a little better. We tell them it’s ok to be different but we simultaneously tell them that if they choose to look different- dye their hair blue, pierce their noses, wear ripped t-shirts- they shouldn’t be surprised if they get treated differently – or in other words, poorly. What a confusing message! We tell our kids it’s ok to be different but, as a whole, we secretly hope that most of them will just fit in so everything is easier on all of us. They can be different…. but only within the perimeters we are comfortable with.
Are you still ok with “different” if different includes pink hair?
I am talking about our greater society here. Plenty of individuals genuinely have no problem with extreme individuality and Victoria has some pretty cool parents. They listen to her and let her voice her frustrations and her feelings of “otherness”. They do not judge her and do not hold her to unattainable expectations of what success “should” look like. So why does this highly gifted kid feel like she has no gifts? Why does she work beyond her limit to make sure she exceeds every bar set for her?
Because our society tells her subconsciously that she must. How? By pumping every kid through the exact same school system and measuring them all by the same exact measuring stick. By surrounding everyone in our society with messages, subconscious and overt, about what “success” looks like. By forcing a confused perception of “needs” and “wants” and then creating a culture based around the idea that things are what make a person happy. By drugging any kid that shows too much energy, exuberance, excitement, or uniqueness. By collectively and often publicly shunning anyone who chooses an unconventional path.
Teaching our youngest generation to look within for what makes them unique and whole may be a better idea than teaching them to look for external validation….
Take an honest look around you- at the media, the schools, the billboards, the radio commercials, the “role models”, the political rhetoric, the “news” stories- and try to tell me with a straight face that we don’t collectively do these things. For the majority of kids or a people who don’t “fit the mold” they have two choices… struggle to fit or give up and be considered a failure.
Victoria will not accept failure, she is a fighter. And so she struggles.
Maybe one day she will break free of society’s expectations of her and choose the third, less popular option- the road less taken. Maybe she will discover that her own strengths lay outside of the boundaries our culture places upon her. Maybe. But what about all the other 13 year olds who “don’t fit in”?
Kids in the US spend the majority of their time in school or working on work for school. Obviously then school has an immense impact on who they are and how they perceive the world. School is a place where everyone must sit, stand, work, eat, play, and think at the same time. Everyone must pass the same test. Everyone must meet the same bar of expectations. Everyone must come to the same overall conclusions. Gifts of empathy, emotional intelligence, and intuition are not valued in this school system we have created. In fact, these gifts are systematically pushed down because anyone who possesses them cannot possibly fit into the cookie cutter mold that everyone must pass through in order to be deemed “successful”. This is not the fault of teachers. Nor is it the fault of parents. It’s not even the fault of test creators and politicians. It cannot be fixed by paying for private school or getting out of the inner city. The weight of what we have created lies with all of us. It is the entire system.
Empathy is a gift just like being able to write well is a gift.
What are we doing to our kids? How can we possibly believe that any system that does not allow every individual to fully explore and hone their own natural gifts can truly be called “education”. What is success if it is not knowing and valuing what is inside us as individuals so that we can better contribute to our universe?
We have this image of the angst ridden, sullen teenager and attribute it on a continual basis to hormones. What if the real source of the deepest teenage angst is our inability to allow these young people the freedom and the respect to figure out what their inherent gifts are and how they can best utilize them? What if those of us adults who “got over the moodiness” of the teenage years have in actuality just acclimated to fitting in rather than proudly standing out?
There is something wrong when a person as gifted as Victoria feels she has no inherent gifts or that they are simply unimportant in light of the other areas where she does not “measure up”. We are exhausting ourselves as a people trying to limit individuality and we are cutting ourselves off from what makes us human.
I believe, and will always believe, that every child is “enough”. Victoria could fail every math class she takes from here on out and I would shrug my shoulders and still tell you with a smile that she is gifted, because she is- everyone is in their own way. When we can see these gifts in our children, and in ourselves, without quantitatively measuring them or comparing them to the gifts of others, that is when I believe we will be headed in the right direction.
Sometimes you must travel down lonely yet beautiful roads to get to where you were meant to be.
Travel is not a cure all. It does not “solve” anything in and of itself. But boy oh boy, does it have the ability to shine a spotlight right in on those big questions, those things deep inside each of us that need to see the light of day, that need to be grappled with. In that way, travel is a medicine. The best kind of medicine…. the kind that forces you to seek out the root of what ails you- of what ails us. It’s a medicine that makes a philosopher out of the most humble of men and creates a space for even the most self-conscious of kids to let their voices be heard.
If we can teach our kids to soar- with their own unique gifts to guide them- they will be happier for it.
What gifts do your kids possess that make them unique?
oh boy does this hit home. definitely have to let this one ‘sink in’, thank you
amber recently posted…Wake Up Wednesday: Speak Easy
Hits home with me, too! I agree with every one of your points and wonder myself why we let a public education system, which most everyone I’ve ever talked with agrees is flawed, decide what “success” means for our children. We’ve recently pulled our kids from school to homeschool them and, so far, things are going very well.
Thanks for a great post!
IMHO, it’s not just public school… it’s the traditional schooling model. You find this in public, private, charter, and even some home schools! It’s the idea that a good grade means you are smart and that there is one singular path to “success” that bothers me. Glad to hear you have found something that works for your kids!
When I lived I Mexico, I enrolled my son in school at the age of 3.5 and he seemed to enjoy it, but he was very energetic and and on-the-go kind of kid, so I started to get pressured to do things to get him to “fit in”… eventually I decided after his second school in Mexico that I would just homeschool him, which worked wonderfully. We became tourists again and re-activated the sense of wonder that the traditional “systems” seem to want to take away. Provocative topic, especially in Canada. With my newest addition to the family, and another on the way in January, I will be homeschooling. Because travel is the best classroom!!
It *is* a provocative topic, isn’t it? But it doesn’t have to be! It’s common sense that a world full of engaged, creative individuals who have been supported in developing their own unique gifts would be a world worth living in! Just because I believe this doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate teachers or am anti-public school… I just think they could be/do so much more if given the opportunity. Glad you have found what works for your family!
I love this article, it really resounds with me and so eloquently describes the struggle that I face as a parent: how to raise kids and succeed in this world when the benchmark of success most people use is so fundamentally flawed. Thank you for the wonderful insights!
Josh recently posted…Tel Aviv: The Place to Stay & The Food To Eat
I am glad this resonated with you, Josh. Hope to cross paths in the future so you and Aaron can talk alternative ed in person
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